Things like calling your partner continuously when they don’t pick up or worrying if they’ll be with you when you need them can be signs of anxious attachment. When you are too clingy or do not leave your partner alone, they can feel suffocated. Although the attachment is required, too much of it can make the relationship burdensome. This post will tell you all about anxious attachment, its effects, and ways to overcome it. But before we start, let’s first understand a healthy attachment.
What are the various types of attachment?
Attachment can be categorized into three types: Securely attached people know their worth and hence are better at accepting the partner’s flaws and take care of their needs. They do not manipulate and play games to get care and attention. They also listen to their partner’s grievances without getting defensive. Let’s understand this better in the next section.
What is Ambivalent/Anxious attachment in a relationship?
Anxious attachment is the behavior of a person who constantly fears abandonment and tries to hold on or control the partner. And if the partner fails to abide, they become demanding and possessive.
When and how does anxious attachment pattern develop?
Studies (1) suggest that the attachment towards people starts forming during childhood and develops as we grow. For example, a child cries and looks frantically for its mother, and immediately stops crying once the mother holds it. But if the parent or caregiver is inconsistent or unavailable, then the child might feel abandoned and rejected. Such feelings are strong and tend to have a lasting impact on the child because wanting to stay close and feeling the need to be loved is typical human behavior.
What Is Anxious Attachment In Adults?
Children with anxious attachment issues could grow up with preoccupied attachment patterns. Once they reach adulthood, they become self-critical and seek reassurance. The childhood impression of being ‘not good enough’ gets carried on into the relationship, which makes them clingy and possessive. They constantly battle with low self-worth or the fear of being let down by others. They tend to be people-pleasers and oscillate between outbursts of anger and pleas for love and support. If you or your partner is too clingy or distant, then look for certain signs to know if one of you is anxiously attached.
Signs You Have An Anxious Attachment
Here are the signs of anxious attachment. Imagine living with a person who is like a constant shadow in your life. That will definitely have an impact on the relationship.
How Does Anxious Attachment Affect Your Relationship?
Relationships are like sand; the tighter you try to hold them, the faster they slide through the fingers. In anxious attachment, the fear of rejection and low self-confidence cause the person to hurt their partner. If one of the partners is becoming codependent and suffocating the other, then it is not a healthy sign. Two people can be happy in a relationship only when there are trust and space to breathe. If you continuously try to control your partner, then you are jeopardizing your relationship. With time you will notice your partner becoming cold and distant as they are tired of clearing your doubts and calming down your insecurities.
How To Overcome Anxious Attachment?
Having anxious attachment does not make a person incapable of being in a relationship. With efforts and patience, the relationship can be made better.
1. Self-awareness
“Recognition is the greatest motivator.”– Gerard C Eakedale Once you recognize that you are anxiously attached, it becomes easy to change. Every anxious person has a pattern; once you get to know it, you can work to break it. For example, whenever your partner takes time to reply to your texts, set a time of two hours to wait for the reply. Once you are comfortable with this time, increase it until you can let go of the anxiety. At the end of such an exercise, you will feel liberated from the overthinking that you had been doing.
2. Beware of pitfalls
Your mind has been used to think in a certain way, and now you are trying to change its course. So, naturally, there will be resistance in the form of mind tricks. If you are determined to overcome anxious attachment, then look out for these pitfalls.
Assumptions: Next time when your spouse is late from work, do not assume things and start calling them repeatedly. Rather wait for them to return and calmly ask them the reason.
Imagining the worst: When facing a difficult situation, do not think negative and anticipate the worst outcome. For example, concluding that your partner does not love you, after every fight.
Taking things personally: Not everything is always about you. While dealing with anxious attachment, you tend to take things personally. For example, if your partner is upset for some reason, you think it is because of you. Avoid jumping to such a conclusion.
3. Talk to your partner
The one person who is being affected by your anxious attachment is your partner. So, talk to them, explain your situation and ask for their support. Work together on what your partner can do to calm down your anxieties and reassure you. At the same time, you must work on trusting your partner.
4. Control the urge to overreact
You build up complex scenarios in your head and tend to exaggerate. If you know this is your pattern, then practice to take some time off whenever you feel your imagination is taking the better of you. After you calm down, reanalyze the situation, talk to your partner and then decide on the course of action.
5. Try to live in the moment
When you train your brain to stop regretting the past and do not worry too much about the future, you can live in the present. Take up yoga and meditation, which will help you to gain control over your mind.
6. Therapy might help
Despite putting in sincere efforts, if you are not able to break the patterns, do not feel disappointed. It is not easy to let go of something you have been carrying since your childhood. In such a case, talk to your partner and go for professional therapy along with them. Therapists are trained professionals who can work with both of you and suggest ways to tackle your fears as well as teach your partner on how to support your journey. What do you think about anxious attachment? Let us know in the comments section below.
